“You’re right where you need to be”

A friend said this to me the other day when I was bemoaning then fact that I had stalled on day 3 of a 21 day meditation challenge.

I was frustrated with myself: I have done a mindfulness course; I have felt that deep connection and huge rush of energy when a meditation is successful and touches your soul; I know it changes the brain and is an amazing tool for anxiety and depression. I know all this and yet I can’t make myself do it. Or anything else that is a benefit to me come to that – healthy eating or exercise. Exercise ( other than my 2-3 hours dog walking a day) I might have cause for – Ehlers-Danlos means I have to be careful about what exercise I do – but the rest?

Why can’t I look after myself ?

I’ve been aware of the answer for years, not in an overly conscious way but aware nonetheless. It is because I don’t deserve it.

Logically, that’s nonsense. I get it and my mind is giving all the logical responses like anyone reading this would be giving me. I get it intellectually.

Emotionally, it’s a different story. Is it because of the fall out between me and my flat mates at uni? Is it because of how S and I ended? Is it because since day dot, I have felt I was out of step with the rest of the world, a list of little misunderstandings that add up to Autism? I can’t do or sense the things “normal” people know and do so I always feel slightly wrong.

How do I work through that to feel myself worth the effort?

I don’t know but although it was said several days ago, “you’re right where you need to be” has struck me very powerfully this morning. I do not know where I am going or how to get there but for now? I’m where I need to be.